Getting places pretty quickly

Regarding mental health. I was told to be completely honest during initial assessment, so I was. I’ve been referred to a different team after another assessment the day after the first one because it’s apparently too specialist for the original team to deal with. Not sure where I go from here but I’ve been trying to keep a level head lately with difficulty so they became concerned that I might basically do something I may regret. Not gonna lie, where my head is at right now it’s been a very tempting venture. But I think that’s why I’m getting dealt with so fast, the other people that were called originally didn’t seem to realise how severe things had gotten, thankfully this team have done. I’m just hoping this pays off because after it becoming a daily occurrence to inflict violent pain on myself and others in my head I’m at a lost point where I’m not sure how much longer it will stay in my head, at least not when inflicted on myself anyway.

I’m not eating or sleeping. I have zero energy for any of the things I want to do. Enough is enough now, 15 years is far past time to deal with this crap.


Iron woes, catch-22 dilemma.

I was tested for low iron levels again because I’ve been feeling really lethargic for a while and my iron levels never seem to quite stay up because my old dear friend anorexia has been poking it’s nose in where it’s not massively welcome of late and I haven’t exactly been eating a normal amount of food. I know, I know, really bad but ED’s are hard to conquer and hey, at least I’m trying right?

I’ve been put on iron pills because my iron level is 3 apparently which is obscenely low I’m assuming (I don’t know much about this stuff but she used the phrase ‘it’s at the bottom of your boots’ so I’m assuming that’s pretty low) but she recommended taking these with orange juice because vitamin C helps the iron pills along. Problem? I have no orange juice or orange anything. I have barely any food left in my house so I *need* to go shopping….. I’m completely exhausted and have no energy to get out and get to the shops to get said food because, yup you guessed it, my iron levels are low so I’m lethargic as hell. *face-palm*

I will drag myself out some point soon because I do need to take this iron pill. But bleh. Someone wake me up please?

I stopped writing, may start for fun.

As per usual I’m having semi creative block issues but I’m reading Ian Rankin’s Dead Souls at the minute and it’s just reignited my urge to write a crime novel. I have a vague idea that’s actually floated around my head for a few months regarding the antagonist but I’m just stuck on how to get it started in general. If I can get the general idea down as a set off I can possibly start free flow writing and see what comes out of my hands. I generally work better when I’ve got an idea in my head and just write and think about dealing with consequences later.

Hmmm, must try to get out of the funk.

Apparently I last blogged 4 months ago. Wow.

Super bad at this blogging crap! I used to do it every day!

Moving in is pretty much over with the exception of actually putting the bed frame in [we have the mattress down but we can’t take the bed out of my mother in laws until she can get a new bed so she has somewhere to sleep.] We got a cat and she kicks ass, although she has just done the most foul smelling toilet business and I think I wanna throw up. Yuck! Life is going pretty good to be honest!

I’m a little apprehensive about tomorrow. I changed Drs because my husbands doctor is fantastic with mental health and is closer to the new place. As I’ve mentioned before I have a lot of issues going on that I need help with but developed a fear of getting help because of it which is a little odd but hey ho. Things with that kinda started getting out of hand to the point I started refusing to go outside because I was terrified of large crowds which isn’t a rut I want to start getting into. I’m terrible booking appointments because just the thought of it sets off panic attacks so I constantly put it off. So my husband thankfully booked one for me with the Dr who actually knows a little about the case already and specifically requested I see her because of it. Now I have the appointment tomorrow which is great because I have to go now, no more putting it off. But I’m pretty scared I won’t lie. There will be awkward silences and tears and over zealous apologising for said tears. But it’s a step further than before so lets just see shall we?

On other medical related notes, had to stay in hospital for 2 days for video telemetry. Don’t get the results till June. I’m not quite sure what will be noted there if anything. Most boring experience ever. Seriously the furthest I could go was the bathroom, yuck.

Fingers crossed that gets sorted soon!

I don’t think I blog enough.

I do apologise! I’ve been soooooo busy! We’ve been in the middle of moving house so it’s insanely hectic here right now. There’s packing and painting and floor laying to be done, been buying couches and furniture and aaaah madness! Exciting madness don’t get me wrong but blogging has totally taken a back seat since December and probably will for a while.

I’m looking for an old notebook I have somewhere [or maybe I’ll just buy a new one, any excuse for new stationary haha] because a dear friend has gotten me thinking I want to old school it again and write down my thoughts on actual paper. I haven’t done that in a good ten years and maybe it will get my creativity flowing again because I haven’t had much of that in the writing department either. Besides when I’m at the house alone getting things sorted out and I have a relax time I can write down some thoughts without the aid of a laptop because TV and internet are our last priority there. We don’t even have a phone yet, they will be the last things with bother with cause lets face it, internet is a luxury and we live in the age of mobile phones so it’s not like I can’t be contacted by officials, they all have my mobile number anyway. So those can wait, as can a TV because neither of us watches TV much anyway so as long as we have a stereo set up, we’re good [could not do this without music, I’d go crazy!].

Anyway, hopefully you’ll see a few more posts from me but until the move is complete, don’t expect much!

New year, new start.

It’s been a while since I last posted but to be perfectly honest, blogging wasn’t a top priority. We finally got a new place so we’re still trying to sort out that craziness because we found out a couple of weeks before Christmas. Worst time to move ever. Still got loads to do that probably should have been done the moment we had the keys but on top of having to deal with that there was gift buying, getting ready for Christmas in general and all the other madness that goes with that time of year.

However, I figured as it’s a new year, it’s time for a fresh post for 2015. I’ve got a busy year ahead of me. I have literature coursework to catch up on [not gonna lie, literally not been touched, too much going on at once!], I’ve begun learning Japanese which is a challenge I again haven’t been able to get into properly because we’ve been so busy. So that’s gonna be a challenge to get into. Then I’ll be getting back into recording, relearning bass and some guitar, possibly getting piano lessons if time and cash permit. And that’s after we decorate the home, get some furniture, get settled in, get my other hospital appointments out of the way and get away for a break up north for a few days. Absolute insanity of the highest level has been going on over here these past 2 months, it’s nuts!

Either way, I’m kinda glad to see the back of 2014, it wasn’t spectacularly bad, but then it wasn’t spectacular either. Now we’re going into 2015 with a new home and a completely new start and frankly, I can’t wait.

Come at me 2015, I’m waiting!

Hair dye disaster?

Well, maybe not. My hair could very well look fine right now but it’s not dry enough for me to tell [you know when it’s wet it just generally goes dark so you can’t see the real colour?]. Unfortunately because of the dye I used even though I brushed the water away from face and almost entirely avoided getting the actual product on my face, the coloured water itself has actually stained my face and body.
I can’t get it off it’s driving me insane. It’s not the worst, it will come off eventually but my face looks bizarre. Foundation will be needed before I leave the bloody house oh my god.
Hopefully the colour will be one I like!*scared*

Proving people wrong in a happy way.

My family had this obsession when I first started seeing my boyfriend at that time that we wouldn’t last, not your typical concerned family ‘you’re too good for him’ attitude, but the exact opposite. He was too good for me. I have disabilities so by my families standards, I can’t get anyone good enough… Yup, that really is my family’s attitude towards disabilities. Sad.

But this is a happy post. Why? Because in 1 week it’s our anniversary. Again. And a few weeks after that it’s our wedding anniversary. Again. We’re still as happy as we always were, much to my family’s dismay.

5 years of relationship and 3 years of marriage, I think I’ve proven them wrong by this point.

I love you kitty, best husband ever!

Recent diagnoses and the things you realise later.

Apologies for being AWOL from here recently, I’ve had a lot of appointments and things to deal with. My last post touched briefly on this but I wasn’t comfortable saying what I meant just yet. But I can now.

After going to the Dr finally and getting some things in gear after a referral, I was recently diagnosed with Violent Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I’ve spent near enough to 16 years dealing with a lot of violent things in my head that I never understood and never wanted to bring up for fear of being punished or locked away somewhere. I never realised until recently just how common this condition is. I’d obviously heard of OCD, but I never thought of these images and thoughts that I was having for so long as OCD. After finally getting a diagnosis and referral for the correct treatment, I’m finally starting to understand my illness and the things that it brought about in the past without my even thinking about it.

I’ve also had to struggle with an eating disorder for a greater part of my teens and adulthood. Little did I realise, this was a result of an obsessive compulsion. It was a difficult time that I had absolutely no control over. The situation affected me and my sister badly, but it was out of our control. Because of this I started to control my eating habits. I felt a sense of purpose at finally having something to control in my life, that was all mine and no-one else could change that for me. So I started to eat very little. I lost weight at rapid paces and was hospitalised so many times it affected school and college for me because I was in a hospital bed more often than a classroom. I didn’t like the weight loss or the illnesses that losing weight brought with it, but I loved the control I had at being able to have a choice in life at that time.

Because I hadn’t been diagnosed with OCD back then, I didn’t even recognise what I was doing as a compulsive habit until it was explained to me later.
The weight loss occurred around the same time as these intrusive thoughts started. I didn’t find them too distressing at first because they were just myself taking out aggression on the main problem in life at that time, I thought that was a perfectly acceptable thought given the circumstances. But then it started to get worse. The aggression turned to vile slaughter and the people involved in these acts in my head didn’t even have faces anymore. They were strangers, animals, children even. My eating habits got worse as these thoughts got worse because they were another thing that I couldn’t control and they were repulsive. I kept them quiet from even my oldest friend because I was worried she would think I was insane and disown me.

It’s only in the last few months that it has become so bad that I had no choice but to seek help. I didn’t sleep for days, I clawed at my skin, I pulled out my hair. It was hard for everyone around me not to notice what this was doing so I had to do something about it.
I’ve started the road to treatment, being put on a waiting list for CBT and being given a strategy booklet on coping with intrusive thoughts brought on by this kind of OCD. I finally told my friend about what had been happening all of these years, only to find that she is actually extremely supportive and I’m not the only person she knows who suffers this which was a relief in itself. Not that I would want her friend to suffer this of course, but it was a relief to realise I’m not the only one, I’m not crazy, I’m not going to be punished for this. After almost 16 years of suffering, I can finally find a way to control this.

I don’t usually like to post personal things here but….

I have one thing to say regarding recent events and if I don’t get it from my chest it will drive me crazy. Theoretically, I’m not revealing anything too personal, or what has made me need to write this down. All I will say is this.

You can take the strongest person in the universe and with enough weight on their shoulders, even their backs will break eventually.