Getting places pretty quickly

Regarding mental health. I was told to be completely honest during initial assessment, so I was. I’ve been referred to a different team after another assessment the day after the first one because it’s apparently too specialist for the original team to deal with. Not sure where I go from here but I’ve been trying to keep a level head lately with difficulty so they became concerned that I might basically do something I may regret. Not gonna lie, where my head is at right now it’s been a very tempting venture. But I think that’s why I’m getting dealt with so fast, the other people that were called originally didn’t seem to realise how severe things had gotten, thankfully this team have done. I’m just hoping this pays off because after it becoming a daily occurrence to inflict violent pain on myself and others in my head I’m at a lost point where I’m not sure how much longer it will stay in my head, at least not when inflicted on myself anyway.

I’m not eating or sleeping. I have zero energy for any of the things I want to do. Enough is enough now, 15 years is far past time to deal with this crap.


Apparently I last blogged 4 months ago. Wow.

Super bad at this blogging crap! I used to do it every day!

Moving in is pretty much over with the exception of actually putting the bed frame in [we have the mattress down but we can’t take the bed out of my mother in laws until she can get a new bed so she has somewhere to sleep.] We got a cat and she kicks ass, although she has just done the most foul smelling toilet business and I think I wanna throw up. Yuck! Life is going pretty good to be honest!

I’m a little apprehensive about tomorrow. I changed Drs because my husbands doctor is fantastic with mental health and is closer to the new place. As I’ve mentioned before I have a lot of issues going on that I need help with but developed a fear of getting help because of it which is a little odd but hey ho. Things with that kinda started getting out of hand to the point I started refusing to go outside because I was terrified of large crowds which isn’t a rut I want to start getting into. I’m terrible booking appointments because just the thought of it sets off panic attacks so I constantly put it off. So my husband thankfully booked one for me with the Dr who actually knows a little about the case already and specifically requested I see her because of it. Now I have the appointment tomorrow which is great because I have to go now, no more putting it off. But I’m pretty scared I won’t lie. There will be awkward silences and tears and over zealous apologising for said tears. But it’s a step further than before so lets just see shall we?

On other medical related notes, had to stay in hospital for 2 days for video telemetry. Don’t get the results till June. I’m not quite sure what will be noted there if anything. Most boring experience ever. Seriously the furthest I could go was the bathroom, yuck.

Fingers crossed that gets sorted soon!

New year, new start.

It’s been a while since I last posted but to be perfectly honest, blogging wasn’t a top priority. We finally got a new place so we’re still trying to sort out that craziness because we found out a couple of weeks before Christmas. Worst time to move ever. Still got loads to do that probably should have been done the moment we had the keys but on top of having to deal with that there was gift buying, getting ready for Christmas in general and all the other madness that goes with that time of year.

However, I figured as it’s a new year, it’s time for a fresh post for 2015. I’ve got a busy year ahead of me. I have literature coursework to catch up on [not gonna lie, literally not been touched, too much going on at once!], I’ve begun learning Japanese which is a challenge I again haven’t been able to get into properly because we’ve been so busy. So that’s gonna be a challenge to get into. Then I’ll be getting back into recording, relearning bass and some guitar, possibly getting piano lessons if time and cash permit. And that’s after we decorate the home, get some furniture, get settled in, get my other hospital appointments out of the way and get away for a break up north for a few days. Absolute insanity of the highest level has been going on over here these past 2 months, it’s nuts!

Either way, I’m kinda glad to see the back of 2014, it wasn’t spectacularly bad, but then it wasn’t spectacular either. Now we’re going into 2015 with a new home and a completely new start and frankly, I can’t wait.

Come at me 2015, I’m waiting!

Recent diagnoses and the things you realise later.

Apologies for being AWOL from here recently, I’ve had a lot of appointments and things to deal with. My last post touched briefly on this but I wasn’t comfortable saying what I meant just yet. But I can now.

After going to the Dr finally and getting some things in gear after a referral, I was recently diagnosed with Violent Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I’ve spent near enough to 16 years dealing with a lot of violent things in my head that I never understood and never wanted to bring up for fear of being punished or locked away somewhere. I never realised until recently just how common this condition is. I’d obviously heard of OCD, but I never thought of these images and thoughts that I was having for so long as OCD. After finally getting a diagnosis and referral for the correct treatment, I’m finally starting to understand my illness and the things that it brought about in the past without my even thinking about it.

I’ve also had to struggle with an eating disorder for a greater part of my teens and adulthood. Little did I realise, this was a result of an obsessive compulsion. It was a difficult time that I had absolutely no control over. The situation affected me and my sister badly, but it was out of our control. Because of this I started to control my eating habits. I felt a sense of purpose at finally having something to control in my life, that was all mine and no-one else could change that for me. So I started to eat very little. I lost weight at rapid paces and was hospitalised so many times it affected school and college for me because I was in a hospital bed more often than a classroom. I didn’t like the weight loss or the illnesses that losing weight brought with it, but I loved the control I had at being able to have a choice in life at that time.

Because I hadn’t been diagnosed with OCD back then, I didn’t even recognise what I was doing as a compulsive habit until it was explained to me later.
The weight loss occurred around the same time as these intrusive thoughts started. I didn’t find them too distressing at first because they were just myself taking out aggression on the main problem in life at that time, I thought that was a perfectly acceptable thought given the circumstances. But then it started to get worse. The aggression turned to vile slaughter and the people involved in these acts in my head didn’t even have faces anymore. They were strangers, animals, children even. My eating habits got worse as these thoughts got worse because they were another thing that I couldn’t control and they were repulsive. I kept them quiet from even my oldest friend because I was worried she would think I was insane and disown me.

It’s only in the last few months that it has become so bad that I had no choice but to seek help. I didn’t sleep for days, I clawed at my skin, I pulled out my hair. It was hard for everyone around me not to notice what this was doing so I had to do something about it.
I’ve started the road to treatment, being put on a waiting list for CBT and being given a strategy booklet on coping with intrusive thoughts brought on by this kind of OCD. I finally told my friend about what had been happening all of these years, only to find that she is actually extremely supportive and I’m not the only person she knows who suffers this which was a relief in itself. Not that I would want her friend to suffer this of course, but it was a relief to realise I’m not the only one, I’m not crazy, I’m not going to be punished for this. After almost 16 years of suffering, I can finally find a way to control this.

Hospital appointment result confusion.

So I had to get several test results today, great to get them all finally. Unfortunately, the visits of a woman with health issues are not done! I have 3 more appointments to come, 1 in Feb and the other 2 haven’t been arranged yet.

Basically the CT scan just showed scarring on my brain near my shunts because well, I had a brain bleed, it was the cause of my hydrocephalus in the first place so that’s nothing new. Pretty sure that’s basically been on every CT scan I’ve had in my entire life.

The memory tests I had actually went okay but there were a few areas I was iffy on, but it made sense to him baring in mind what I’d told him just before I did the test. So basically my memory when it comes to having something said to me then trying to remember it straight away is poo. But visually it works well, so for example, if you wanted to meet me at a certain street for example, you’d have to say, meet me at such and such a landmark, like a big church with a red door or whatever, rather than saying ‘meet me on York Street’ cause I won’t remember York Street. Fair dos. But it also came down to as I touched on in a previous post, a darker period in life that has actually caused a lot of depression and anxiety issues for years that were never really dealt with because the counsellors where I lived were total shit. He doesn’t think that helps both with memory and my confidence issues so I’m being sent to a counsellor who will hopefully be considerably more useful than the other assholes I’ve had in the past. So *that* part was interesting. As far as work and college go, because of my concentration issues and chronic fatigue, he actually suggested if I can eventually get into employment, to try something like freelance writing that I can do from home so should I need to sleep at any point I can. It was of course advised as irritating as it will be, not to ignore the urge to sleep, regardless of the time of day.

Then there was the other part. As I mentioned in my last post regarding Maleficent flashing [we’re both exhausted, we were at the hospital for 6hrs so date night is at home tonight!] I have epilepsy we *think*. 

This is where another test came in because it’s evident that I do have what my Dr refers to as absences, where basically you can be talking to me and I’ll just be staring into space not hearing, seeing or registering anything around me. Several people have witnessed this over the years, Drs included, and I have had violent grande-mal seizures in the past. But the EEG done earlier this year has basically come back not showing signs of electrical epilepsy. So he wants to do the same sort of test without the strobes over a period of 2 days so that he can see if anything during that 2 days triggers any brain changes. There were changes in activity to the brain slightly on the EEG, but not strongly enough to cause seizures so he wants to do it over a period of days in case the EEG missed anything.

This is where confusion sets in. He’s reluctant to put me on epilepsy medication even though it still may help, because I struggle with memory and cognitive issues and apparently the meds they put you on can interfere with that even if you don’t have issues so it can make things 10x worse in that respect. If the next test shows enough he will but he wants to avoid it if he can. But this is where it gets confusing because I have these ‘episodes’ every single day. It’s usually my husband or mother in law that takes note of them because I don’t even realise it’s happening but it happens at least twice a day. In short, the part confusing my Dr is that I don’t appear to have epilepsy. But I appear to have epilepsy…. What?

So I’m basically booked up to next year [literally] with appointments but at least this place are dealing with it instead of the last hospitals approach of just ignoring it cause they couldn’t be arsed with tests.

Yay things are getting sorted, and yay if I get a head Dr that isn’t an unqualified knob cheese it may well help my confidence issues and there’s hope for me songwriting and getting back on that stage yet! YAY!