Recent diagnoses and the things you realise later.

Apologies for being AWOL from here recently, I’ve had a lot of appointments and things to deal with. My last post touched briefly on this but I wasn’t comfortable saying what I meant just yet. But I can now.

After going to the Dr finally and getting some things in gear after a referral, I was recently diagnosed with Violent Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I’ve spent near enough to 16 years dealing with a lot of violent things in my head that I never understood and never wanted to bring up for fear of being punished or locked away somewhere. I never realised until recently just how common this condition is. I’d obviously heard of OCD, but I never thought of these images and thoughts that I was having for so long as OCD. After finally getting a diagnosis and referral for the correct treatment, I’m finally starting to understand my illness and the things that it brought about in the past without my even thinking about it.

I’ve also had to struggle with an eating disorder for a greater part of my teens and adulthood. Little did I realise, this was a result of an obsessive compulsion. It was a difficult time that I had absolutely no control over. The situation affected me and my sister badly, but it was out of our control. Because of this I started to control my eating habits. I felt a sense of purpose at finally having something to control in my life, that was all mine and no-one else could change that for me. So I started to eat very little. I lost weight at rapid paces and was hospitalised so many times it affected school and college for me because I was in a hospital bed more often than a classroom. I didn’t like the weight loss or the illnesses that losing weight brought with it, but I loved the control I had at being able to have a choice in life at that time.

Because I hadn’t been diagnosed with OCD back then, I didn’t even recognise what I was doing as a compulsive habit until it was explained to me later.
The weight loss occurred around the same time as these intrusive thoughts started. I didn’t find them too distressing at first because they were just myself taking out aggression on the main problem in life at that time, I thought that was a perfectly acceptable thought given the circumstances. But then it started to get worse. The aggression turned to vile slaughter and the people involved in these acts in my head didn’t even have faces anymore. They were strangers, animals, children even. My eating habits got worse as these thoughts got worse because they were another thing that I couldn’t control and they were repulsive. I kept them quiet from even my oldest friend because I was worried she would think I was insane and disown me.

It’s only in the last few months that it has become so bad that I had no choice but to seek help. I didn’t sleep for days, I clawed at my skin, I pulled out my hair. It was hard for everyone around me not to notice what this was doing so I had to do something about it.
I’ve started the road to treatment, being put on a waiting list for CBT and being given a strategy booklet on coping with intrusive thoughts brought on by this kind of OCD. I finally told my friend about what had been happening all of these years, only to find that she is actually extremely supportive and I’m not the only person she knows who suffers this which was a relief in itself. Not that I would want her friend to suffer this of course, but it was a relief to realise I’m not the only one, I’m not crazy, I’m not going to be punished for this. After almost 16 years of suffering, I can finally find a way to control this.

I don’t usually like to post personal things here but….

I have one thing to say regarding recent events and if I don’t get it from my chest it will drive me crazy. Theoretically, I’m not revealing anything too personal, or what has made me need to write this down. All I will say is this.

You can take the strongest person in the universe and with enough weight on their shoulders, even their backs will break eventually.

When my health becomes a frustration.

I had a career goal to become either a criminal lawyer or a forensic psychologist. I did actually mainly want to become a military psychologist but I already knew my health wouldn’t stand up to that. 

I was accepted onto an access course to study psychology, politics and sociology… Didn’t get through one day before I was plagued with exhaustion and excruciating pain. This became part of the frustration because I know that I can do it mentally. I have the intelligence but as per usual, my body lets me down.

I keep going back to psychology, it’s just something I want to do with my life but I’m being thwarted over and over again. I spoke to my psychologist after the memory test and he basically set straight on my health and work/study that a work environment isn’t for me because as well as the physical side of things, my brain struggles to concentrate when working at a certain crazy pace. He had suggested if I should look into work, working from home because if I need to rest when fatigue sets in, it’s possible where of course in a physical work environment, you can’t do this. He also told me not to get down about not being able to do things at another’s pace and accept that I have to go a lot slower than everyone else. That’s all fine and dandy to say but it’s not helping. 

I’ve hunted and hunted for work from home jobs and it’s all either, journalism or finance this, finance that. I’m terrible with maths, that’s not going to happen, I struggle with numbers to the point I get upset at the thought of even trying maths because I just become frustrated. Yes, I can write so journalism I guess is a starter point but I have no interest in anything anyone is looking for. 

I keep looking at home study courses for psychology but none of them are with real qualifications, as much as they claim to be. The closest real thing you can get is Open University, but I don’t have the qualifications for that to begin with because distance learning doesn’t offer real qualifications and as I’ve established 4 times already, I physically cannot handle a college course out of home.

Even then, if I did get the qualifications and go to uni and get these degrees… What the hell do I do with them? It’s basically been established by my own self and medical professionals that I’m not fit for the world of working or a career so where would be the sense in studying at that level anyway?

I apologise for this insanely whiny and irritating post but I’m hitting my point of frustration at the realisation that my life is basically to be spent sitting in a house with nothing to show for it.

I have a lot of challenges to keep up to!

I brought my challenges book with me in the hope of peacefully writing. Found that being back in the same place where depression/anorexia started, issues raised their ugly head and just switched off my motivation. This clearly isn’t the place to launch my creativity.

I started to get past that funk then my husband and I ended up getting some crappy virus that we’re still not 100% over so that’s thwarted my writing too! You know when fate sometimes tries to tell you ‘this ain’t the time to do this?’ Yeah….

Should be going home tomorrow though, we’ve been here for 2 weeks now and mental health issues [they weren’t so bad, I just lose any motivation to do anything when I’m here because the atmosphere just sets me back] and virus aside, it was actually an alright and relaxed time. But I miss our bed. And our cat. Be lovely to be home. Nice break away, now I need London again.

 

Twitter/Facebook bye bye.

Up until yesterday, I had twitter and Facebook for years. I literally spent hours on these things out of force of habit, even though most of the time I wasn’t even typing anything, I was just staring at the screen, flitting through posts and generally just being bored senseless and wasting my time.

I got tired of this. I mean really tired. Before the world of wireless and crazy social networks, I was a lot more productive. I read more without getting distracted, I actually knew how to write letters and interact with people face to face. Then Facebook and Twitter came along and my god the amount of times I sat doing crap!

So yesterday, I took the mega plunge. I got the contact details of people who I wanted to stay in touch with, some replied, some didn’t. I clicked the delete on both of those accounts. Not the semi-permenant, come back later if you like, delete. Actual, gone forever delete.

I’ve got to be honest, it felt weird. That’s literally how consumed my life was with social networking even though I was doing nothing on this social network. It actually felt odd pressing a delete button. But it felt good too. Now I have to do constructive things, I have to reply to letters and actually talk face to face. I’m old schooling it [well almost, I still have pinterest] and it feels good.

Of course, I’m not knocking social networking entirely, I met my husband via myspace technically speaking so it’s done a lot of good for me too. I met some of my best friends on there who I’ve come to adore being in my life. But that endless staring at a screen all day was just driving me crazy.

I don’t work, not out of laziness, I have cerebral palsy amongst other various disabilities and exhaustion is unfortunately the king of my world constantly. I’ve dropped out of college more times than I can count [online distance studying is my boredom saviour], I’ve tried working 3hr a week voluntary positions and hospitalised myself with, you guessed it, exhaustion.

As a result of these irritatingly tiring ailments, I switched to social networking as a way to curb daily boredom. To an extent, it worked for a while. But not now. Now I’m just staring at a screen, being bored for the sake of being bored. It’s not productive, it’s not healthy.

So, I deleted what I considered an unnecessary evil in my life, and got myself a new blog. I’ve had a live journal forever but it’s now mostly untouched and to be honest, was most active in a darker period of life. So, out with the old, in with the new. I kept the old blog because it did do me a lot of good just venting all of that crap stuff, but my life is insanely bright now. So a new, brighter blog was clearly the way to go. Instead of staring aimlessly at a screen for no reason, I’ll be blogging about my days. Might be interesting days, might be your average joe boring days, who knows? I’ll be reading more, re-learning the bass [yup I lost that skill too]. I’ve started singing again, my all time favourite passion which was lost many moons ago because confidence and anxiety is a bitch. I’m not quite gonna be hogging a stage and singing to the world just yet, but I’ve made a good step toward and it’s a positive start.

It’s time for a refresh in life. New blog, new people, new adventures. Come at me life, bring it!