Apparently I last blogged 4 months ago. Wow.

Super bad at this blogging crap! I used to do it every day!

Moving in is pretty much over with the exception of actually putting the bed frame in [we have the mattress down but we can’t take the bed out of my mother in laws until she can get a new bed so she has somewhere to sleep.] We got a cat and she kicks ass, although she has just done the most foul smelling toilet business and I think I wanna throw up. Yuck! Life is going pretty good to be honest!

I’m a little apprehensive about tomorrow. I changed Drs because my husbands doctor is fantastic with mental health and is closer to the new place. As I’ve mentioned before I have a lot of issues going on that I need help with but developed a fear of getting help because of it which is a little odd but hey ho. Things with that kinda started getting out of hand to the point I started refusing to go outside because I was terrified of large crowds which isn’t a rut I want to start getting into. I’m terrible booking appointments because just the thought of it sets off panic attacks so I constantly put it off. So my husband thankfully booked one for me with the Dr who actually knows a little about the case already and specifically requested I see her because of it. Now I have the appointment tomorrow which is great because I have to go now, no more putting it off. But I’m pretty scared I won’t lie. There will be awkward silences and tears and over zealous apologising for said tears. But it’s a step further than before so lets just see shall we?

On other medical related notes, had to stay in hospital for 2 days for video telemetry. Don’t get the results till June. I’m not quite sure what will be noted there if anything. Most boring experience ever. Seriously the furthest I could go was the bathroom, yuck.

Fingers crossed that gets sorted soon!


I don’t think I blog enough.

I do apologise! I’ve been soooooo busy! We’ve been in the middle of moving house so it’s insanely hectic here right now. There’s packing and painting and floor laying to be done, been buying couches and furniture and aaaah madness! Exciting madness don’t get me wrong but blogging has totally taken a back seat since December and probably will for a while.

I’m looking for an old notebook I have somewhere [or maybe I’ll just buy a new one, any excuse for new stationary haha] because a dear friend has gotten me thinking I want to old school it again and write down my thoughts on actual paper. I haven’t done that in a good ten years and maybe it will get my creativity flowing again because I haven’t had much of that in the writing department either. Besides when I’m at the house alone getting things sorted out and I have a relax time I can write down some thoughts without the aid of a laptop because TV and internet are our last priority there. We don’t even have a phone yet, they will be the last things with bother with cause lets face it, internet is a luxury and we live in the age of mobile phones so it’s not like I can’t be contacted by officials, they all have my mobile number anyway. So those can wait, as can a TV because neither of us watches TV much anyway so as long as we have a stereo set up, we’re good [could not do this without music, I’d go crazy!].

Anyway, hopefully you’ll see a few more posts from me but until the move is complete, don’t expect much!

New year, new start.

It’s been a while since I last posted but to be perfectly honest, blogging wasn’t a top priority. We finally got a new place so we’re still trying to sort out that craziness because we found out a couple of weeks before Christmas. Worst time to move ever. Still got loads to do that probably should have been done the moment we had the keys but on top of having to deal with that there was gift buying, getting ready for Christmas in general and all the other madness that goes with that time of year.

However, I figured as it’s a new year, it’s time for a fresh post for 2015. I’ve got a busy year ahead of me. I have literature coursework to catch up on [not gonna lie, literally not been touched, too much going on at once!], I’ve begun learning Japanese which is a challenge I again haven’t been able to get into properly because we’ve been so busy. So that’s gonna be a challenge to get into. Then I’ll be getting back into recording, relearning bass and some guitar, possibly getting piano lessons if time and cash permit. And that’s after we decorate the home, get some furniture, get settled in, get my other hospital appointments out of the way and get away for a break up north for a few days. Absolute insanity of the highest level has been going on over here these past 2 months, it’s nuts!

Either way, I’m kinda glad to see the back of 2014, it wasn’t spectacularly bad, but then it wasn’t spectacular either. Now we’re going into 2015 with a new home and a completely new start and frankly, I can’t wait.

Come at me 2015, I’m waiting!

Hair dye disaster?

Well, maybe not. My hair could very well look fine right now but it’s not dry enough for me to tell [you know when it’s wet it just generally goes dark so you can’t see the real colour?]. Unfortunately because of the dye I used even though I brushed the water away from face and almost entirely avoided getting the actual product on my face, the coloured water itself has actually stained my face and body.
I can’t get it off it’s driving me insane. It’s not the worst, it will come off eventually but my face looks bizarre. Foundation will be needed before I leave the bloody house oh my god.
Hopefully the colour will be one I like!*scared*

Recent diagnoses and the things you realise later.

Apologies for being AWOL from here recently, I’ve had a lot of appointments and things to deal with. My last post touched briefly on this but I wasn’t comfortable saying what I meant just yet. But I can now.

After going to the Dr finally and getting some things in gear after a referral, I was recently diagnosed with Violent Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I’ve spent near enough to 16 years dealing with a lot of violent things in my head that I never understood and never wanted to bring up for fear of being punished or locked away somewhere. I never realised until recently just how common this condition is. I’d obviously heard of OCD, but I never thought of these images and thoughts that I was having for so long as OCD. After finally getting a diagnosis and referral for the correct treatment, I’m finally starting to understand my illness and the things that it brought about in the past without my even thinking about it.

I’ve also had to struggle with an eating disorder for a greater part of my teens and adulthood. Little did I realise, this was a result of an obsessive compulsion. It was a difficult time that I had absolutely no control over. The situation affected me and my sister badly, but it was out of our control. Because of this I started to control my eating habits. I felt a sense of purpose at finally having something to control in my life, that was all mine and no-one else could change that for me. So I started to eat very little. I lost weight at rapid paces and was hospitalised so many times it affected school and college for me because I was in a hospital bed more often than a classroom. I didn’t like the weight loss or the illnesses that losing weight brought with it, but I loved the control I had at being able to have a choice in life at that time.

Because I hadn’t been diagnosed with OCD back then, I didn’t even recognise what I was doing as a compulsive habit until it was explained to me later.
The weight loss occurred around the same time as these intrusive thoughts started. I didn’t find them too distressing at first because they were just myself taking out aggression on the main problem in life at that time, I thought that was a perfectly acceptable thought given the circumstances. But then it started to get worse. The aggression turned to vile slaughter and the people involved in these acts in my head didn’t even have faces anymore. They were strangers, animals, children even. My eating habits got worse as these thoughts got worse because they were another thing that I couldn’t control and they were repulsive. I kept them quiet from even my oldest friend because I was worried she would think I was insane and disown me.

It’s only in the last few months that it has become so bad that I had no choice but to seek help. I didn’t sleep for days, I clawed at my skin, I pulled out my hair. It was hard for everyone around me not to notice what this was doing so I had to do something about it.
I’ve started the road to treatment, being put on a waiting list for CBT and being given a strategy booklet on coping with intrusive thoughts brought on by this kind of OCD. I finally told my friend about what had been happening all of these years, only to find that she is actually extremely supportive and I’m not the only person she knows who suffers this which was a relief in itself. Not that I would want her friend to suffer this of course, but it was a relief to realise I’m not the only one, I’m not crazy, I’m not going to be punished for this. After almost 16 years of suffering, I can finally find a way to control this.

Date nights, movies and the girl with cherry cigars

We finally had our date night! Yay! We didn’t go to the cinema in the end cause we’re both exhausted after the hospital madness and it usually takes me a good few days to recover when I’ve been out and busy for a few days. So we got the video games out, then watched Defiance whilst eating takeaway Wagamama’s.

I’ve never actually seen Defiance until now but he wanted to watch it because it’s one of his favourite movies and he hadn’t seen it in 11 years. Gotta say, I really enjoyed it. It was stereotypically  80’s cheesy in some ways but it was really fun at the same time. You can kinda see where Michael Jackson got some of the ideas for the Beat It video from watching it.

Before we got ready for date night and we were just chilling with tea, he came into the bedroom really randomly while the tea brewed, randomly suggesting that I should write a song about a girl who smokes cherry cigars. It was pretty random but I wrote it down in case it sparks anything, be it story, poetry or songwriting. Made me smile though because he was thinking about me while doing something as simple as brewing tea. He knows I want to start songwriting and he also knows that when I was younger I used to occasionally smoke cherry cigars. I love little things like that that he does, makes me smile.

I’ve really enjoyed today actually. I need to get back into my creative groove again mind, but then I’m exhausted so creativity isn’t exactly flow forward when I’m muggy. All in all though today has been awesome.

Twitter/Facebook bye bye.

Up until yesterday, I had twitter and Facebook for years. I literally spent hours on these things out of force of habit, even though most of the time I wasn’t even typing anything, I was just staring at the screen, flitting through posts and generally just being bored senseless and wasting my time.

I got tired of this. I mean really tired. Before the world of wireless and crazy social networks, I was a lot more productive. I read more without getting distracted, I actually knew how to write letters and interact with people face to face. Then Facebook and Twitter came along and my god the amount of times I sat doing crap!

So yesterday, I took the mega plunge. I got the contact details of people who I wanted to stay in touch with, some replied, some didn’t. I clicked the delete on both of those accounts. Not the semi-permenant, come back later if you like, delete. Actual, gone forever delete.

I’ve got to be honest, it felt weird. That’s literally how consumed my life was with social networking even though I was doing nothing on this social network. It actually felt odd pressing a delete button. But it felt good too. Now I have to do constructive things, I have to reply to letters and actually talk face to face. I’m old schooling it [well almost, I still have pinterest] and it feels good.

Of course, I’m not knocking social networking entirely, I met my husband via myspace technically speaking so it’s done a lot of good for me too. I met some of my best friends on there who I’ve come to adore being in my life. But that endless staring at a screen all day was just driving me crazy.

I don’t work, not out of laziness, I have cerebral palsy amongst other various disabilities and exhaustion is unfortunately the king of my world constantly. I’ve dropped out of college more times than I can count [online distance studying is my boredom saviour], I’ve tried working 3hr a week voluntary positions and hospitalised myself with, you guessed it, exhaustion.

As a result of these irritatingly tiring ailments, I switched to social networking as a way to curb daily boredom. To an extent, it worked for a while. But not now. Now I’m just staring at a screen, being bored for the sake of being bored. It’s not productive, it’s not healthy.

So, I deleted what I considered an unnecessary evil in my life, and got myself a new blog. I’ve had a live journal forever but it’s now mostly untouched and to be honest, was most active in a darker period of life. So, out with the old, in with the new. I kept the old blog because it did do me a lot of good just venting all of that crap stuff, but my life is insanely bright now. So a new, brighter blog was clearly the way to go. Instead of staring aimlessly at a screen for no reason, I’ll be blogging about my days. Might be interesting days, might be your average joe boring days, who knows? I’ll be reading more, re-learning the bass [yup I lost that skill too]. I’ve started singing again, my all time favourite passion which was lost many moons ago because confidence and anxiety is a bitch. I’m not quite gonna be hogging a stage and singing to the world just yet, but I’ve made a good step toward and it’s a positive start.

It’s time for a refresh in life. New blog, new people, new adventures. Come at me life, bring it!